Fate's Control
by Trish Tavor
Summary: Follow up to 6x14. Killian converses with Nemo, and contemplates what his actions will mean for himself and Emma.


_Damn it_.

The two simple words were the only ones that managed to break through Killian's convoluted thoughts. His typical ' _bloody hell'_ didn't nearly portray the mess that he had gotten himself into.

Again.

"Damn it!" This time the words slipped out, louder than intended, and were accompanied by his fist making contact with the wooden table next to him. He had a strong desire to overturn it, but managed to quell the idea.

A strong hand settled itself on his shoulder before he could rethink causing damage to the furniture, and he felt himself being led out of the room. Almost immediately, he moved to jerk away, but the hand simply gripped harder and pushed him forward.

"Before you hurt something...or yourself," he heard a familiar voice mumble.

Nemo.

 _Damn it_.

The fight left Killian – it had barely been there, after all – and he let himself be led down familiar hallways, towards the Captain's Quarters. A fiery rage still simmered just beneath the surface: at Gideon, at Emma and David, however irrationally, and at…himself. Mainly himself. Still, he forced himself to remain calm. He couldn't let that monster out. He knew what happened when he lost control, and he'd needed to fight even harder since the dark one incident. But a wall of hopelessness seemed to have been suddenly set up in front of him, and he found himself wondering why he bothered to hold on to control anymore, when everything seemed to go terribly wrong either way.

Nemo led him into his office, and shut the door behind them, before releasing his grip on Killian's arm. The man turned and fixed the pirate with a knowing stare, before moving to sit on a large armchair next to his desk. He motioned to a bottle of some kind of alcohol – probably whiskey, Killian assumed – before closing his eyes in silent contemplation.

Killian obliged without question, pouring himself a glass, and downing it in seconds. He filled the tumbler once more, before sitting across from Nemo.

After a minute of silence, Killian broke it. "Say it. Whatever it is, get on with it."

The older man – well, by looks, anyhow – opened his eyes and studied the pirate. "No, you get on with it," he said, after another moment of silence. "Let it out. Best not to harbor resentment where we're going.."

"And where's _that_?" Killian's words came out much harsher than he meant them to.

Nemo shrugged. "Don't know where he sent us. But it's true of just about any place, I reckon."

"How do you expect me not to harbour resentment when that…" Killian's clenched a fist in mid air, unable to find the right word to describe what he thought of Rumplestiltskin's spawn. "Destroyed what I was trying to build with Emma."

"Did he do that, or did you do it to yourself?"

Nemo's words felt like a physical blow, striking Killian across the chest. Only, of course, because the man was right. But he was in no place to admit that.

"Well, villain's don't get happy endings, so why should I even bother trying?" Killian shot back, knowing the excuse was weak. "It doesn't seem to matter what I do, nothing ever works out. How is that my _bloody_ fault?"

Nemo cocked his head and studied the man in front of him. "Tell me, what happened with Emma? What road did you choose, having decided not to take my advice?"

The lump that had been forming in Killian's throat seemed to grow, and he tried to swallow it back. "I tried to burn my memories," he admitted. "I didn't want to have to face Emma's parents – to face _her_ – with what I did. It was too much. To know that I had broken her family, as I broke my own. And now I've ruined your plans, by coming here in the first place. It seems fate is against me." The final words were laced with spite, and Killian cut off before he could dig himself a deeper hole.

The look in Nemo's eyes became harsh, but he took a moment before speaking. "And if you had not tried to hide the truth? Do you think you would be where you are now?"

Again, Killian felt Nemo's words hit him. Again, he knew the other man was right. If the bloody evil queen could get a happy ending, then they had all been wrong about fate being against villains turned heroes. He'd made the wrong choice. But he didn't want to accept it. To accept that just as he had made so many wrong choices in his past, he still couldn't seem to make right ones. To realize that he had just left Emma behind, and that it was _his_ fault. It was too much.

His hand automatically began to fiddle with the ring that was still in his pocket, and he closed his eyes to keep from revealing the pain that rushed over him. He'd _left_ Emma. She'd been left so many times, abandoned by so many people. He'd promised her that he would never do that. And yet, he had. Even that most simple, essential promise, he hadn't been able to keep.

And now he was stuck in a bloody submarine, heading who knows where, unable to make things right.

"There's always hope," Nemo said, the words breaking through Killian's despair.

"You sound like Snow White." The pirate's response was automatic, and laced with sarcasm, but truly he knew he would give about anything to hear her say those words right about now.

Nemo let out a small laugh. "Well, if what I've heard about her is true, that's only a compliment." The twinkle that returned to the Captain's eye was one that Killian knew well, and it lifted his spirits, if only slightly.

Standing, Killian eyed Nemo. "I _am_ sorry that I've gotten you into this mess. I'd understand if you'd want to kick me off your ship here and now."

"We've been through worse, I'm sure," Nemo responded, "And whatever spell that…"

"Gideon," Killian filled in, once again having to keep himself from referring to the baby turned man as 'the dark one's spawn' or worse.

"That Gideon put on my ship, I doubt it will let you off, seeing as you're clearly the target."

Killian nodded slowly. He had assumed as much, but he appreciated that his old Captain recognized it, and wasn't incensed that _he_ was the cause of this whole situation.

Nemo continued, "Your old cabin is still empty. We haven't had many join our crew since you left. Feel free to move in. I'm going to try and figure out where he's taking us."

With that, Nemo stood as well, and left his quarters. Killian stayed there a moment, giving Nemo time to get to the control room, before walking out into the empty hall. His thoughts swirled in a seemingly endless whirlwind, and once more he gave into them. One person was at the center, as she always was.

Emma.

How had this happened again? And this time, it was perhaps the worst. At least when he'd…died…he hadn't abandoned her, not willfully. Not that he had meant to desert her this time, but she wouldn't see it that way. She had finally, _finally_ , given him her heart. If he couldn't get back to her…would she ever let those walls come down again? He was quite certain he knew the answer.

He needed to get back to her. Or, at least, he needed to let her know what had happened. Even if he died – again – he needed her to know that, despite his brief consideration of leaving, his ultimate decision had not been to abandon her. He could never, truly, do that. Not of his own free will.

Killian hoped that somehow she would know that, but he also knew it was too much to ask. Far too much. So, once again, he needed to fix this. Maybe this time fate would finally stop toying with them.

Inwardly, Killian scoffed at the thought. He wasn't Snow White, and fate would always be against him. Anything else was too much to hope for.

But he wasn't only Killian Jones, he was Captain Hook. And the infamous pirate captain had never let fate control him.

That wasn't about to end now.


End file.
